• RJ Smith

Five Reasons Dogs Are Cancelled

Man’s best friend, so the saying goes. But take a closer look and you’ll find dogs are our greatest enemy. Here’s why.

1. Hitler

Dogs are praised for their loyalty. But is loyalty such a good thing in the end? When everyone turned on Hitler in 1945, only his girlfriend and his German Sheperd Blondi stood by his side.

Millions dead. Europe in ruins. And the dog refused to budge.

He even tasted the cyanide to make sure the führer wasn’t being slipped phony drugs. I’d wager if it weren’t for his dogs Hitler would have seen the error in his ways and called off the whole sorry enterprise years earlier.

2. Rage

You’re walking through a beautiful city. You’re distracted by the majesty around you. You get to thinking the human race isn’t so bad, when suddenly you feel softness of a bad kind underneath your stride.

You know what’s happened. You know exactly what it is. You look down and there it is, your shitty footprint embossed onto the trottoir. You raise your leg, grasp your shoe. The smell hits you.

The heat within you rises. The rage builds to critical mass. You need to get it out somehow.

Across the road a staffi is mounting an insolent cocker spaniel. The spaniel looks at you. Tongue out. Mouth betraying unselfconscious delight (that bitch).

You walk on, tears of rage in your eyes. Everything is bad. Someone needs to pay. You decide to vote for a far right party at the next election.

3. Simps

Last night he watched the football. Today at work he spoke in derogatory terms about the marketing coordinator with his colleagues by the water cooler.

He arrives home. Before jumping on his computer to watch ahh internet videos he has an errand to run. For that’s precisely what his dog is. An errand. A tool he pretends to love to coax women back to his ‘bachelor pad’.

He puts it on a leash and walks out onto the street, a plastic bag stuffed into his pocket.

Two ladies approach him on the footpath. They kneel down. They’re smiling. Their defences are down.

‘A little pug…so cute!’

‘My little man,’ he replies. For a moment he feels something approaching affection for the dog.

Voilà the modus vivendi of the simp, one of the more peculiar creatures of the early 21st century, the dog his most potent and cynical tool.

4. Lonely Women

On Wednesday I attended my third French ‘integration’ session. The trainer asked what helped us integrate into France for those who had managed it already. All was silent until a fifty year-old Canadian woman raised her hand gingerly.

‘My children are all grown up now,’ she said in broken French. ‘And I’m divorced since many years…my life here was very hard…but then I bought a dog…now I have company at the restaurant…people talk to me when I walk down the street.’

There was a little tug on the strings of my cold heart. It was just about the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

You might say the dog was her saviour, that man’s best friend is almost as good as a man. I disagree.

5. Karens

You’ve seen the footage. The Central Park dog lady. Queen of the Karens. Among the justified accusations of racism there is one serious issue which has been totally overlooked.

Ask yourself the question: how did this strange confrontation between a woman on the edge and an innocent Bird-Watcher Of Color come about?

It was the dog of course. Let us call him Lucipher.

Lucipher lives in a small apartment. Lucipher likes to run around. Karen, who has long since abandoned her search for a man like our embattled divorcée feels a peculiar mixture of motherly and romantic love towards her ‘baby’ and felt she should oblige him.

Days later buildings are on fire. Bread lines have formed. Karen is at fault, yes, but let us not forget what sent her lizard brain into a frenzy.

© 2020 RJ Smith.